Here is a Method That is Helping Me Connect with My Body

I’m not very connected to my body. Worse, most of my triggers are activities which force me to acknowledge my body exists. My anxiety would prefer we continue living in my head and deny the body status as part of the being called Kate.

This has now become a big problem for me.

The last time I saw my counselor I was doing really well, and proudly told him of all my work and accomplishments. Until we stumbled on the topic of my body. I then stumbled over my words for the rest of the hour. I became full of anxiety. I wanted to leave the room as soon and as fast as possible. I had tears in my eyes and my brain was shutting down. “This topic is too dangerous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” , Anxiety screamed in my ear. My homework was to give my body a seat at my Committee of Emotional Cooperation.

I spent the weekend obsessing over what to say to my body, and fearing what my body would say to me. I felt guilty and sad and angry, just as I was beginning to feel more happiness. “Can’t I just continue ignoring these uncomfortable feelings?” I asked myself. “No. Our entire life mission is to allow discomfort and listen to what those feelings have to teach us. And now we will fully invite our body to share its experiences as well”. At least part of my brain is brave and rational.

The Conversation

Kate: Emotions, we have a special guest at our committee today. I have invited Body to join us. Let us all start with a few words for her, and then Body, you can take the stage.

Anger: I’m enraged over what you have experienced.

Guilt: Body, I am so sorry for all the hurt we have caused you. We are a terrible person, and have mostly abandoned you. I can’t imagine you would ever want, or be able, to forgive us.

Sadness: Body, it is devastating what you have been through. It overwhelms me with grief when I think about how you have been hurt over the years.

Fear: I want to protect you. I am very afraid you will get hurt again, and I’m trying to keep you safely covered and out of harm’s way as much as possible.  I’m also afraid you are mad at us for the pain we have caused you.

Happiness: I’m really grateful for everything you do, Body. We have so much fun together when biking through the city or singing our favourite songs. I hope we get to hang out more!

Kate: I think I most identify with Guilt. I have done as much as possible to separate Mind from Soul, and both from you, Body. I have cut off communication. I have treated you as a non-entity. I have deprived you of care and comfort.  I don’t want to feel the pain you’ve experienced. I don’t want to acknowledge its existence. I’ve been so overwhelmed by the pain in my mind though, at times I have purposefully cut into your skin to have a different kind of pain to distract me. I feel so terribly guilty about how I have treated you. I haven’t wanted to hear what you would say to me, as I am positive you wish you could trade up for a different mind with which to live. I don’t blame you. But now I have braced myself for your words. Don’t hold back.

Body: We have experienced pain. We have been used and abused and treated like a doormat. Our cells are constantly working to keep us functioning as a whole, and sometimes this is difficult when you don’t properly nourish us. We have been very encouraged by the recent increase in water consumption. It really is a vital ingredient to our success!

In 2013 we have already regenerated approximately 5.33 trillion cells.  That is 5 330 000 000 000. We aren’t concerned with the hurts of the past. All we want is a healthy environment now so we can continue our work being the temple, so to speak.

Right now. That is all we care about. Do we have the nutrients to do a good job? Have we been exercised and given a chance to grow? Have we been rested adequately? Some of us have the night shift, and when you don’t give us a full night of sleep, we can’t finish the job. It is in our best interest, mind and soul included, to get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrients. Do you realize how important a healthy diet is to us? Think about how we smell when you fill us with chemical and sugary junk. We are trying to get your attention to switch to healthier foods.

Comfort. You have neglected us in regards to comfort. Fear, I understand you want to protect us, but we need to be touched. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are good. Please find more people to touch. Please don’t be afraid of touch. Not every touch is sexual. And not every sexual experience is bad.

Guilt, we forgive you. We aren’t stewing in resentment. We adapt to how you treat us. Treat us well every day and we will work better as a whole.

Sadness, we are okay. Thank you for grieving for us, but at this point the grieving period is long gone. It is time to focus on the present. Talk with happiness about the good times we are having!

Anger, use that rage to keep us healthy. Motivate us to be strong and to stand up for the vulnerable.

The Takeaway

Listen to your body as it contains a world of wisdom. Schedule frequent check-ins. And treat it with the respect and honour it deserves.

What is your body saying to you right now?

Bananas

One of the most challenging and frustrating aspects of depression and anxiety for me has been eating, cooking, and all thoughts of food. During the extreme depths of depression came an inability to feel anything, including hunger. I often went days without eating. When I finally made the connection that a big part of my lack of energy was due to a lack of food, I had no motivation to cook. All I wanted to eat was candy. Most of what I did eat was candy.

During one dazed trip to the grocery store, I forced myself to the produce section. “Just pick something”, I told myself. A bunch of bananas made its way to my basket. A brilliant decision.

Let me count the ways I love bananas to reintroduce healthy eating into a diet mired by depression.

They are easy to eat.

For days when I felt I needed Herculean strength and stamina to sit up and take the seven steps from my bed to my toilet, I cannot overemphasize the importance of the banana’s soft texture. The fact that they don’t need to be washed or refrigerated and can sit on a bedside table meant I was (am) able to get some fuel into me before leaving bed, which in turn made it easier to get up and face the world.

They are sweet and healthy.

Terrible confession time: not only did I satisfy my sugar cravings with tubs of candy from the grocery store, I kept a bag of brown sugar with a spoon in it beside my bed. That would be my only source of calories for days at a time. Ugh. Bananas have all the sweetness, but come with fiber, vitamins, minerals, and protein too.

They are inexpensive.

My last receipt shows a cost of $1.46 for a bunch of seven bananas. With the limited cash flow that often accompanies mental illness, it is hard to argue against the wisdom of choosing bananas.

They get better with time.

With so much fresh produce, it can be hard to eat it all before it begins to rot in the fridge, especially when eating three square meals a day borders on the impossible. Bananas, in my opinion, only get better with time, right up to the point where they become perfect to throw in the freezer for baking banana bread when I’m feeling more capable. For me, this means I am not adding guilt of wasting food  to my overloaded baggage of negative emotions.

Do you have any tips for healthy, easy, and inexpensive eating and cooking? Share them in the comments below.

Day 30 and cycling from blah to joy

Using food to combat the blues

 

Today is day 30 of my 30 Day Challenge to ride my bike every day. I made it to work in just over 18 minutes, my fastest commute yet – woohoo! Pushing myself that extra bit made all the difference in my mood this morning, as I have been feeling kind of blah since Sunday.

I don’t know why I woke up grumpy and irritated, but I did. Saturday was a lovely day, and I couldn’t think of anything that would have set me off. I had every intention of pulling the covers back over my head and staying there all morning, if not all day. The coziness of my microflannel sheets can be too appealing at times. Sometimes I think it would be best to sleep on straw.

After a few minutes though, I could feel my stomach rumbling. And that’s when it hit me: I needed food. I needed nutritious food. And I needed to plan better for this week to prevent feeling this way next Sunday.

I haven’t been too bad with my eating habits since beginning this job, but those habits haven’t been very stellar either. As I’ve previously mentioned, I am struggling with balancing work with play and all the important daily tasks and activities needed to stay healthy and sane. I’m passing, but I know I can do better.

So I got out of bed. I threw some clothes on, ate some breakfast, and walked down to the grocery store. The sun was shining, my foot didn’t hurt as I made my way down the hill, I could feel my body luxuriating in the fresh air, but I couldn’t shake the blah feeling. I got home with my groceries and prepped and cooked up a storm. I couldn’t shake the blah feeling. I talked with my parents about an upcoming visit they have planned; I still couldn’t shake the blah feeling.

Yesterday was a busy day at work, and I’m grateful I had the distractions. I also had a very big and tasty lunch packed thanks to my work the day before, and what a difference that made. I’m not sure why the typical North American meal plan has dinner as the biggest meal of the day. Don’t we need the energy from food more before we are active, and less for sleeping? I’ve decided to emphasize breakfast and lunch and see how that change affects my energy levels and moods.

Last night I also went to visit a friend at the hospital, who is in the same short term psychiatric unit I was last December. I was really, really nervous to go back to the hospital, even as a visitor. I felt like I was going to meet my depression in human form there, who would then hold me hostage, bring me back as a patient, and never let me go.

I am happy to report depression did not grow into a corporal being and I left unharmed. My friend and I had a good, long discussion about healthy behaviours and how I managed to get to a state where I believe life is good, when it wasn’t so long ago I was spending 90% of my life in bed begging for the apocalypse. It was good to reflect on how far I have come.

This morning I had a big bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, loaded with raspberries, currants, walnuts, cinnamon, and protein powder. I rode my bike using higher gears with more resistance and increased my speed (when it was safe to do so). My quads and heart loved it, and I was tickled pink to see my time once I parked my bike. 

My 30 days of daily biking has come to a close, but my biking adventures are only beginning. When I left my apartment this morning, I had fully intended on posting about feeling irritated, grumpy, and not even caring about the end of my first 30 Day Challenge. Instead I have some joy to report and spread, and a grateful thank you for the encouragement and support while I tackled and shared my bike riding anxieties. I look forward to expanding my scope by addressing larger and broader challenges in the weeks and months to come.